Tip 102. What to do if you are kicked out at night.

Right, you are all up to date on the best tactics in the industry for keeping your hu-man up at night. . . But, what do you do when your incompetent helper chucks you out?

Get some practice in during the day at pouncing and clawing :)

Being removed from the bedroom at night can be a very annoying thing. Not only does it mean that you cannot continue to punish your human as originally planned, but this also means that once you eventually run out of energy and need a few hours shut eye before the next feeding time you need to find a new and comfortable bed that is to your standards. . .

Now, you have one of two choices. . . You can either find a comfortable bed for the night and settle down in a blissful sleep of food, fuss and chasing mice. . .

Or, you can decide to stay up all night and make sure that your hu-man gets no sleep either. . . So, just in case you do decide to punish your hu-man even further for their dastardly act of treason, here is a list of things you can do:

• Sit scratching the door all night. If you scratch at their bedroom door constantly they will eventually give up and let you in. Either because the sound is driving them insane and still keeping them up, or because they are worried what your claws will do to their precious woodwork... either way its 1-0 to us!
• As a companion or separate tip to the previous one you can also try clawing at the floor (best used on carpet) near the doors. If it is wooden flooring then it will damage the floor, and if it is carpet there is a chance of eventually pulling the carpet up from the floor (resulting in either difficulties with the door or your naughty hu-man to trip and fall flat on their face during a midnight toilet run- either way it is guaranteed to annoy them)
• Now this tip can be achieved wherever, but is especially handy if you are in a small hallway. Once they have chucked you in to the hallway walk down to the opposite side. Be prepared to run very fast (and also to run face first in to the walls the first few attempts) and then kick yourself up and onto the wall whilst running. . . if you manage to do this correctly then you will achieve what hu-mans call "wall-running". This creates a lot of noise, hence keeping them awake longer.
• Hu-mans are like pack-rats. . . they collect lots and lots of weird and wonderful things. . . almost all of them pointless. . . After all if it is something that we cannot use then it is obviously pointless. . .  They have things scattered all over the place, on work surfaces bookshelves, desks, tables. . . We can use this to our advantage. . . make lots and lots of noise by knocking anything possible off of surfaces. . . hearing pots, pans and books crashing to the floor will soon get them out of bed.
• Also, considering they collect so much stuff, it also means there is a lot to break. . . some of the things they hoard are very delicate and apparently "valuable"- though I sometimes wonder at the junk they call valuable. . . a dead mouse at their feet? Yea sure! a brand new scratching post? Of course!. . . but a lump of "china" coloured in? or a big batch of paper tightly bound together? Surely not. . . But anyway, breaking any of these things is sure to send them in to a rage thus resulting in no sleep. . . just be sure you are not in sight when they discover the mess.
• The most famous of all tips has to be using your voice. Normally hu-mans find our delicate and tinkly sounds cute and previous. However, sitting outside their door at night meowing- or yowling if you think your meow box can handle it for a large amount of time- will result in lots of shouting, throwing and swearing. . . OR. . . will make them believe we are "apologising" and let us back in. . . operation revenge can then continue.

These are just some basics on how to get started. Just remember, that you should not push your servant too far, if you do then they may not forgive you. . . this is doubtful, considering how stupid they are. . .  I mean come on!, have you seen how cute we are?!

But regardless, be careful not to push them over the edge. . . the point of punishment is to make sure they do not annoy us again, or at least are worried about upsetting us 24/7. . .

In the next post we will be looking at the most effective sleeping positions, and how pulling these off will make your hu-man allow you to sleep anywhere you want. . .

But until then kitty out. . . and remember, be careful of hairballs. . .