Tip 102. What to do if you are kicked out at night.

Right, you are all up to date on the best tactics in the industry for keeping your hu-man up at night. . . But, what do you do when your incompetent helper chucks you out?

Get some practice in during the day at pouncing and clawing :)

Being removed from the bedroom at night can be a very annoying thing. Not only does it mean that you cannot continue to punish your human as originally planned, but this also means that once you eventually run out of energy and need a few hours shut eye before the next feeding time you need to find a new and comfortable bed that is to your standards. . .

Now, you have one of two choices. . . You can either find a comfortable bed for the night and settle down in a blissful sleep of food, fuss and chasing mice. . .

Or, you can decide to stay up all night and make sure that your hu-man gets no sleep either. . . So, just in case you do decide to punish your hu-man even further for their dastardly act of treason, here is a list of things you can do:

• Sit scratching the door all night. If you scratch at their bedroom door constantly they will eventually give up and let you in. Either because the sound is driving them insane and still keeping them up, or because they are worried what your claws will do to their precious woodwork... either way its 1-0 to us!
• As a companion or separate tip to the previous one you can also try clawing at the floor (best used on carpet) near the doors. If it is wooden flooring then it will damage the floor, and if it is carpet there is a chance of eventually pulling the carpet up from the floor (resulting in either difficulties with the door or your naughty hu-man to trip and fall flat on their face during a midnight toilet run- either way it is guaranteed to annoy them)
• Now this tip can be achieved wherever, but is especially handy if you are in a small hallway. Once they have chucked you in to the hallway walk down to the opposite side. Be prepared to run very fast (and also to run face first in to the walls the first few attempts) and then kick yourself up and onto the wall whilst running. . . if you manage to do this correctly then you will achieve what hu-mans call "wall-running". This creates a lot of noise, hence keeping them awake longer.
• Hu-mans are like pack-rats. . . they collect lots and lots of weird and wonderful things. . . almost all of them pointless. . . After all if it is something that we cannot use then it is obviously pointless. . .  They have things scattered all over the place, on work surfaces bookshelves, desks, tables. . . We can use this to our advantage. . . make lots and lots of noise by knocking anything possible off of surfaces. . . hearing pots, pans and books crashing to the floor will soon get them out of bed.
• Also, considering they collect so much stuff, it also means there is a lot to break. . . some of the things they hoard are very delicate and apparently "valuable"- though I sometimes wonder at the junk they call valuable. . . a dead mouse at their feet? Yea sure! a brand new scratching post? Of course!. . . but a lump of "china" coloured in? or a big batch of paper tightly bound together? Surely not. . . But anyway, breaking any of these things is sure to send them in to a rage thus resulting in no sleep. . . just be sure you are not in sight when they discover the mess.
• The most famous of all tips has to be using your voice. Normally hu-mans find our delicate and tinkly sounds cute and previous. However, sitting outside their door at night meowing- or yowling if you think your meow box can handle it for a large amount of time- will result in lots of shouting, throwing and swearing. . . OR. . . will make them believe we are "apologising" and let us back in. . . operation revenge can then continue.

These are just some basics on how to get started. Just remember, that you should not push your servant too far, if you do then they may not forgive you. . . this is doubtful, considering how stupid they are. . .  I mean come on!, have you seen how cute we are?!

But regardless, be careful not to push them over the edge. . . the point of punishment is to make sure they do not annoy us again, or at least are worried about upsetting us 24/7. . .

In the next post we will be looking at the most effective sleeping positions, and how pulling these off will make your hu-man allow you to sleep anywhere you want. . .

But until then kitty out. . . and remember, be careful of hairballs. . .

Tip 101. Keeping your hu-man up at night.

It has long been known by cats that hu-mans are particularly difficult to train. They are stubborn, lazy and extremely stupid. . . You would think that considering this animal is much larger than us that it would have a larger brain. . . but if they were smart then surely they should know instinctively that food should always be down ready for my consumption, that wake-up time is 6am when I am full of energy and ready to play and that the litter tray must always be cleaned the second I am finished with it.

When they wake in the morning, make sure you are in a
cute position like this. Then all will be forgiven. Mwahaha

However, it seems that despite their large exteriors they have very little going for them on the inside. So, this is why we must train them. It can be a very slow and tiresome project and does not always go smoothly and to plan. . . In fact, sometimes you may even have to punish your hu-man to make sure they realise who is boss. . . even if they do not KNOW that they are realising this. . . They have to think they are in control whilst really you are putting your own little collar and leash on them. . . It is a very delicate mission to complete. . . but a necessary one.

Now. . . How do you go about punishing your hu-man? 

There are many ways to lay down the law, all of which shall eventually be covered in this blog. But for now, we will stick to the age old method of sleep deprivation.

It can be a very tiresome job for our chosen hu-man to look after us to the best of their ability, especially if they are doing the job correctly- although it would be much easier for them if they focused all their time and attention on us rather than staring at that big flashing, noisy box on the other side of the room- which means that they need a lot of sleep. After all  we would not want them falling asleep half way through cleaning our litter tray now would we. . . I imagine that cannot be a very nice experience for either one of us. . .

This is why that sleep deprivation should only be used when absolutely necessary and not used for more than two or three nights in a row. . . even though it is extremely fun for us.

There are many ways in which to keep your hu-man up at night, and any combination of tricks will prove effective. But it is up to you as supreme leader of your own household to pick which one will cause the most distress to your hu-man:

• Wait for them to be completely settled down and comfortable. . . then find a place on their chest, back or shoulders that is comfortable and secure for you. Then sit there with your head tilted to one side and stare at them. . . just sit there staring. . . and occasionally use one- or even both- of your paws and smack them on the back of the head.
• Find a surface that is higher up than the bed, make sure that it is not too slippery so as to avoid personal injury and then sit there and wait for the opportune moment. When you are ready, get down in to the correct position and pounce on to any part of their body. Hint: The head and stomach have proven to be the most effective by fellow felines.
• Go crazy for hours on end, running around the room, attacking anything that moves or makes a noise, jumping from object to object, knock things over and off of shelves- generally make as much noise as possible.
• Sit on top of the blankets near the end of the bed and chase and pounce on their feet whenever they move them. This is very distracting for them meaning they cannot sleep but also has the cuteness factor meaning you are less likely to be punished.
• If, however, you do not want or require the cuteness factor, or simply want to punish your hu-man to the maximum capacity then find an opening in the blanket near the foot of the bed. Crawl your way in and then start gently batting at their feet with your paws. . . they will think that you are being slightly annoying but also extremely cute. . . then when they are getting used to this gentle play and are drifting off in to a deep sleep. . . Pounce, wrap your front paws around their feet, dig in the claws and bite the big toe!
• Sit anywhere in the room (but far enough away that they can not swipe at you or throw anything at you with ease) and meow and yowl your way through the night. This will initially send them in to a panic as they will believe that we are in trouble or hurt but it will eventually dawn on them that nothing is wrong and we are simply being a nuisance.

These are just a small amount of the ways that you can keep your naughty hu-man up at night. Many more ways can be thought of and invented. Just sit there and think and eventually you will think of or find something that is sure to keep any hu-man up, pulling out their hair and begging for a decent nights sleep.

When carrying out this punishment there is always the risk of being picked up by the scruff of the neck and thrown out of the room- with the hu-man then closing the door behind us. Meaning that we can no longer keep them awake. This is a very annoying trick that they have discovered as they are after all much bigger and stronger than us. But dealing with this eventuality will be covered in the next post. . .