Tip 105. Best and Worst Hu-man food to eat.

When we move in with a hu-man and exert our dominance over them they always seem to want to force us to eat the strangest of foods. . . They seem to believe that a diet of biscuits and meat mixed with Jelly or Gravy is a tasty and healthy alternative to our natural instinct to hunt and kill our own prey. . .

This is why, whenever we get the chance, we should show our natural instincts by swiping some of THEIR food and snacking on that. . . However, a cat must be very careful when eating food meant for hu-mans as some food can be very dangerous. I will hereby make a list, of the best foods for you to snack on, and the foods which you must never EVER eat. . .

• Chicken: My personal favourite, chicken is one of the best meats for a cat in my opinion, it is tasty and filling and the easiest meat to rip up and shake around- which is a good technique for practising your killing skills.
• Fish: Canned fish, like tuna, sardines and salmon is a good treat to have. It is good for your fur and joints, however, make sure that it is boned and that you do not have to much as the mercury can give you poisoning- as well as making you fat, and let's face it, you could do with losing a little weight. . .
• Melon: As long as this is consumed in small amounts than a feline can quite safely eat a honeydew, cantaloupe or watermelon- as long as all seeds are removed. This helps with digestion but should only be a occasional treat as we are naturally carnivores and our bodies are not able to process large amounts of plant.

Fish are yummy to eat!

That is a small list of my personal favourite, however, feel free to tell me more of YOUR favourite foods by posting them on my Facebook wall.

Now, as you can imagine, the list of bad foods is going to be quite a bit longer. . . But it is very important that you know not to eat these toxic foods. . . for the sake of your own life (and ever expanding waist line):

• Chocolate: This is toxic, it contains a strange chemical that if consumed can damage your lungs, heart, kidneys and nervous system. . . not the best way to go. . . however, recent intelligence suggests that this is also the case for dogs. . . Operation Cocoa commence!
• Alcohol: This is a strange liquid consumed by humans which makes them very strange. . . I have quite often wondered what this strange thing is like- could it be similar to catnip?- however because it is absorbed into our bodies so quick it can be an instant killer.
• Grapes and Raisins: These are extremely tasty, juicy and tempting. . . they are the fruit from the Garden of Eden. . . however, just 2 or 3 of this little pieces of heaven can result in poisoning and irreversible kidney damage.
• Onions: These, I have found from personal experience are extremely tasty, it takes so much self-control for me NOT to eat them, however, just a small amount of this vegetable can cause onion poisoning. This breaks down your red blood cells, causing anaemia, weight loss and lethargy.
• Caffiene: My hu-man quite often consumes something they call "energy drinks", my male hu-man (daddy) sometimes jokes that he will give me some, however, my mummy found out that even a small amount can cause heart palpitations, tremors, rapid breathing and death.

There are many more toxic foods which you must avoid at all costs, but at the same time there are many foods that are perfectly safe and tasty to eat. . . just get your slaves to do some internet research. . .

Feel free to tell me what your favourite and most avoided foods are in the comments below. . .

This post has been quite a serious topic and not as light hearted as my previous ones, however, I am hoping that my next post will be back to normal, when we tackle the issue of. . . Different techniques to swipe hu-man food. . .

Merry Christmas To Me! Part 2

Now, in the last Christmas based post I gave a very basic explanation and insight into the world of Christmas. During this one I will delve into some of the ways that I attempted to take part in the festive season, and also how this caused great turmoil for my hu-man's.

Me under the tree.

Now, I will start with the most obvious distraction for a young cat such as myself on my first festive period. The Christmas Tree. For some strange reason, my two hu-man's decided to take away the dining room table and chairs that were in the room- a stupid decision if you ask me considering there is not enough work surface's as it is- and replaced it with a tree.

I may have been able to resist this strange addition to the room, if it had not been for what they did next. . . not only did they add these strange little colourful flashing lights on a very long piece of string but they also raised the temptations by adding an assortment of beads, balls, sticks and birds. SURELY, this was meant for me, my new toy, why else would they make it such an excitable, glittery, bundle of joy??

Alas, it was not for me, I was vehemently chased away, hissed at, yelled at, even smacked for going anywhere near this pillar of kitten fun-filled goodness. . . but did this stop me from trying? Of course not! If anything, it just made me do it more. . . after all, it is dreadful fun to watch your hu-man have to get up from their warm, comfortable position on the sofa to chase you. . . only for you then to wrap yourself around the legs causing them to tumble to the ground in a loud, painful heaped mess!



Over a set amount of time, my hu-mans kept buying things, this is a normal thing for them to do, however, what was unusual was that they would then wrap them in paper and put pieces of colourful and shiny string around them. . . pulling on them with the edge of a blunt knife in order to make it spring in curls. . . This did not help at all, and I found myself struggling not to get involved. . . maybe they were trying to cut the pieces of string but failing? I can imagine this would be extremely annoying, so I decided to help. . .

Much to my annoyance, my servant did not appreciate this. They should have as it is very rare that we will do such a thing, we are after all leader of our households and should not take part in such frivolities, however, let's just say I was feeling "generous" considering the festive period.

But, instead of the grateful praise, a few treats and a rub under my chin, I -yet again- got shouted at, smacked and thrown from the room. . .

I was only trying to help! It is not my fault that my claws were sharper than I believed. . . but I can see why this would be a problem for them. . . after all my "mummy" (as she likes to call herself) did spend at least half an hour on each package making them look shiny and pretty. . . she spent a long time slaving over these to make them look perfect.

One attempt from my clawed paws to try and help and they end up a shredded, chewed and tattered mess. . . Next thing I know she is hopping with rage and having to re-do them. . .

Ah well, maybe I can keep my claws and teeth under control next year- although I have to say, boxed packages make very good scratching posts and teething rings. . .

Merry Christmas To Me! Part 1.

Throughout this blog, I may decide, as is my right to divert from the usual training guide to talk about and hi-light things that I deem important. The Russell Howard post for instance was extremely important due to the need to congratulate a member of our feline community on their great success. . .

This post is- as you should be able to guess from the title- all about Christmas. Christmas is a very special time of year for hu-mans. This is the first time I have experienced the excitement, stress and anticipation of their event but from what I understand it is an annual occurrence.

I thus decided to research this "magical" time, after all, I must understand this strange concept if I am to find a way to control it. . . Here is what I discovered. . .

Christmas is the annual commemoration of the birth of some man called Jesus Christ, many many years ago (between the years of 7 and 2 BC). . . He is said to be the son of "The Lord God". . . who is rumoured to be the supernatural leader of the earth. . . which is, of course, ridiculous  as everybody knows that cats are the only leader on this planet. . . This rumour will have to be addressed at some point. . . But anyway, back to the story. . .

Hu-mans celebrate this time of year by taking part in certain celebratory customs. . . these include gift giving, special music, a very large special meal, tree's with balls and beads and some strange shiny thing that rustles called "Tinsel", and some extremely overweight, jolly man called Santy Claws. . .

Now, seeing as this creature is called Santy "Claws" then surely it should be obligatory for it to be a cat delivering all the presents and deeming who should be punished. . . but for some strange reason, Hu-mans have decided to be defiant of our control and have placed one of their own in this ridiculous place of honour.

*Side note* It may be beneficial at some point in the future

to remove this "Santy Claws". . . to "magic him away and 

take over his position. This could include bribery, threats. . . or 

we could simply kidnap him. . . See video below.

However, I am very happy to see that felines are still taking part in this event, they are using their acute cuteness to win the hearts of cat lover. . . dressing in ridiculous outfits and taking part in the festivities, I may have to attempt this. . .

In the next post, I will discuss exactly how I chose to take part in Christmas. . . and how it did not quite go to plan. . .