Tip 104. Best Beds

Once you have the knack for sleeping in a position where humans will not have the heart (or the balls) to move you then you can start looking at your ideal sleeping locations.

You now know how to get away with sleeping wherever you want. . . but the question is. . . where do you choose to sleep?

A suitable and comfortable bed can be found in any range of areas. . . they can be big, small, hard, soft, furniture, pre-bought by your hu-man, indoors and even outdoors. . .

As a flat-cat I cannot experience the wonders or luxuries of an outdoor bed, however, I know of them from discussions with other outdoor-roaming felines. . .

This post will hi-light my favourite places to sleep in and around the home. . . however, if you prefer a more dedicated bed of your own then you can always convince your hu-man to buy one of your very own. . . many of these can be viewed in my shop which can suit all hu-man's budgets. . .

• The first place that is perfect for an afternoon nap is the bed. The bed is very rarely occupied during the day, and if you act cute during the night then the hu-man's will quite often allow you to sleep with them. The mattress on the bed is normally the perfect texture and firmness for plodding, alongside the numerous blankets that are available to curl up under during the winter months.
• The second place that you can catch a few zz's is the sofa. The sofa is normally situated in the warmest room in the house, due to the fact that hu-man's seem to spend the majority of their time in there. This can be one of the noisiest places to sleep due to our servants being fixated with the magical noisy box in the corner of the room however you can always be sure of company.
• A more unusual place is on the printer. If you can mentally persuade your hu-man to place you a pillow on top of the machine then it will be even more comfortable. On top of this, if your hu-man should choose to use this mystical contraption whilst you are resting on it then you are in the perfect position to work out its intentions and to kill the foul beast with agile blows if necessary.
• It is amazing how a hard surface can be extremely comfortable. Plus if you position yourself on somewhere such as a computer desk or work surface then you can inconvenience your hu-man. . . perfect for a douse of basic punishment.
• Many felines in the past have dreaded and warned against the Carrier Box. . . it has been seen as a prison, in which hu-man's chuck you in and take you to strange places. . . you hear terrible rumours about these trips. . . needles, unknown animals. . . I even once heard a rumour that they take you to have your private parts sliced off and your head stuck in a cone. . . what nonsense!!. . . I have been in my box many a time and this has NEVER happened to me. . . Anyway, you may find it strange to discover that this is an extremely comfortable bed, it is one of my personal favourites, just arrange for a blanket to be placed in the bottom and drag a few toys in if necessary and it is very warm, cosy and protected. 
• Finally, my last chosen sleeping place around the home is the wardrobe. This is a secret room either placed within a room, or hidden behind a sliding door. . . it is filled with lots of different furs for your hu-man to change in to. . . a very eerie and strange concept if you ask me. . . My hu-man annoyingly kept shutting the doors and jamming it so that I could not claw it open. . . however, once I kept them up for numerous nights with my incessant yowling and clawing they finally gave in and it is now never closed to me. This can be used to get away when you require a small amount of you time, as it is dark, crowded and the perfect place to find a small nook in to curl up.

Photographs of my favourite sleeping places can be found below in the order that they are mentioned above. (Except for the wardrobe as I am a ninja when I sleep in there and find the perfect hiding spot where I cannot be found or pestered with cameras)

And now, I am asking all of my readers to send me pictures of you (felines only) sleeping in their favourite places.

To do this simply "Like" my dedicated Facebook page. Here you can send me your images whilst keeping up to date with the behind the scenes running of the blog.

Any images that are sent will be posted on a separate page that is dedicated to my fans. Names of cat's and owners can be published alongside if requested.


How To Train Your Pet Hu-Man Facebook

The next post will contain the best and worst hu-man food to eat.

Tip 103. Most effective sleeping positions

It is vital that all cat's follow my commandments if they are to continue in their role as ruler and leader. . . As can be seen in the commandments the number 1 rule is to make sure you get a minimum of 16 hours sleep per day. . .

However, not only is it vital to obtain these hours, you also need to be make sure that it is quality sleep. . . this means being able to sleep in the best and most comfortable places and positions. . .

Stopping hu-man from working.

Also, the position is key to it all, if you can pull off any number of cute positions then your hu-man is more likely to leave you be and let you sleep where you want. . . even if it inconveniences them. . . Take for instance, right now, my hu-man is trying to work however I am preventing this being an easy task by lying across her arms. See picture to right.





There are any number of positions which can be used in order to obtain a peaceful, refreshing and beneficial sleep. But here are some of my personal favourites: (in order of how they are shown in the slideshow)

• THE CAT-NAPPER: This is the most basic of positions. It is a normal curled up state which allows for comfortable and peaceful sleep. It is also the easiest position to get in to as you will usually be able to fit anywhere. Humans will normally leave you be in this position as long as you are not anywhere that inconveniences them, not the best one for sleeping in awkward places but still an all time classic.
• THE BEAN POLE: This one is named because of the position you place yourself in. Your body is perfectly straight and steady. Perfect for lying on a hu-mans legs or along the seams of a sofa. Can even be adapted to make you fit in between two hu-mans at night as they sleep.
• THE DANGLER: This one can be a slight adaptation of The Bean Pole however this is the beginning of the "awkward" positions. In this one you make sure you are balanced somewhere precarious such as one leg of a hu-man and dangle one of your own legs off of the edge. This gives the impression that you are not fully secure and that you will fall if they attempt to move you.
• THE NO-ENERGY SLUMP: The entire point of this position is to con your hu-man into believing that you simply do not have the energy to move. This position looks very uncomfortable to the hu-man but they do not seem to realise that a pose such as this is good for back problems and preventing future problems such as arthritis. Humans will do one of two things in this position. . . either they will leave you be as they simply do not have the heart to make you move when you are so tired. . . OR. . . they will pick you up and place you somewhere on their own body which is going to be infinitely more comfortable. . . either way it is a win-win situation for you. A perfect example of this can be seen here.
• THE LIFE RAFT: This one is named because of the "pathetic" position you put yourself in. Simply drape yourself over a arm chair, leg, arm, pillow etc.  and stretch out one paw further than the other. This position is seen as cute and adorable meaning that should a harsh human choose to move you he will be chastised by the other for committing such a treason.
• THE DRAMATIC POSE: This position can be in many shapes and forms. Simply get yourself into the most over-stretched and extravagant pose you can muster and fall asleep. These are normally so obscure, so special, so. . . dramatic. . . that the hu-man will not be willing to move you. They are a wonderful and natural phenomenon to behold and any hu-man will be in awe of such a position.
• THE CUTE POUT: This is best used when settling on a hu-man's lap or in their arms. Bury yourself into a crease and lift your legs up. Follow this with lifting one arm up to your face and the other folded into your chest, finish off this manoeuvre by dropping your bottom jaw slightly. This is sure to make any hu-mans heart melt and allow you to have your wicked way with them.

And this concludes the most effective sleeping positions. Many more are to be found and can be changed depending on your own comfort tastes. 

In the next post, we will be examining the best beds- a perfect continuation of best sleeping positions. This will examine both bought beds and beds found in and around the home. . .

It is time for me to get my beauty sleep, so until next time. . . now. . . which position shall I use today?

Cat appointed mayor of town.

Normally, this blog is used as a hand guide to training your hu-man.... So surely this post should be Tip 103.?

Well, I have decided- as is my right as emperor of everything I deem worthy- to take a small break in order to highlight something of great importance. . .A few weeks ago I decided to give my hu-man the night off. . . I let them degrade back to the lazy sluggish oafs they usually are. . .

In their free time they decided to invite over some more species of their kind. . . Two great annoying creatures who insist on picking me up and ruffling my fur up the wrong way. . .

Anyway, they all settled down to watch that strange colourful box in the room and ended up watching a strange spectacle called "Russell Howard's Good News". . . so I decided to watch it with them. . .

Within this show an amazing discovery was set to be made. . . An cat somewhere within the world had actually taken their rightful place as a leader. . . And I do not mean ruler of a couple of measly hu-mans but surveyor of an entire town. . .

Take a look for yourselves:

Think about it, potentially hundreds if not thousands of hu-mans to take care of your every whim.

This is why this blog is dedicated to saluting Mayor Stubbs and congratulating him on taking one large paw print for feline-kind.

Keep up the good work soldier, cats everywhere look up to you.

Tip 102. What to do if you are kicked out at night.

Right, you are all up to date on the best tactics in the industry for keeping your hu-man up at night. . . But, what do you do when your incompetent helper chucks you out?

Get some practice in during the day at pouncing and clawing :)

Being removed from the bedroom at night can be a very annoying thing. Not only does it mean that you cannot continue to punish your human as originally planned, but this also means that once you eventually run out of energy and need a few hours shut eye before the next feeding time you need to find a new and comfortable bed that is to your standards. . .

Now, you have one of two choices. . . You can either find a comfortable bed for the night and settle down in a blissful sleep of food, fuss and chasing mice. . .

Or, you can decide to stay up all night and make sure that your hu-man gets no sleep either. . . So, just in case you do decide to punish your hu-man even further for their dastardly act of treason, here is a list of things you can do:

• Sit scratching the door all night. If you scratch at their bedroom door constantly they will eventually give up and let you in. Either because the sound is driving them insane and still keeping them up, or because they are worried what your claws will do to their precious woodwork... either way its 1-0 to us!
• As a companion or separate tip to the previous one you can also try clawing at the floor (best used on carpet) near the doors. If it is wooden flooring then it will damage the floor, and if it is carpet there is a chance of eventually pulling the carpet up from the floor (resulting in either difficulties with the door or your naughty hu-man to trip and fall flat on their face during a midnight toilet run- either way it is guaranteed to annoy them)
• Now this tip can be achieved wherever, but is especially handy if you are in a small hallway. Once they have chucked you in to the hallway walk down to the opposite side. Be prepared to run very fast (and also to run face first in to the walls the first few attempts) and then kick yourself up and onto the wall whilst running. . . if you manage to do this correctly then you will achieve what hu-mans call "wall-running". This creates a lot of noise, hence keeping them awake longer.
• Hu-mans are like pack-rats. . . they collect lots and lots of weird and wonderful things. . . almost all of them pointless. . . After all if it is something that we cannot use then it is obviously pointless. . .  They have things scattered all over the place, on work surfaces bookshelves, desks, tables. . . We can use this to our advantage. . . make lots and lots of noise by knocking anything possible off of surfaces. . . hearing pots, pans and books crashing to the floor will soon get them out of bed.
• Also, considering they collect so much stuff, it also means there is a lot to break. . . some of the things they hoard are very delicate and apparently "valuable"- though I sometimes wonder at the junk they call valuable. . . a dead mouse at their feet? Yea sure! a brand new scratching post? Of course!. . . but a lump of "china" coloured in? or a big batch of paper tightly bound together? Surely not. . . But anyway, breaking any of these things is sure to send them in to a rage thus resulting in no sleep. . . just be sure you are not in sight when they discover the mess.
• The most famous of all tips has to be using your voice. Normally hu-mans find our delicate and tinkly sounds cute and previous. However, sitting outside their door at night meowing- or yowling if you think your meow box can handle it for a large amount of time- will result in lots of shouting, throwing and swearing. . . OR. . . will make them believe we are "apologising" and let us back in. . . operation revenge can then continue.

These are just some basics on how to get started. Just remember, that you should not push your servant too far, if you do then they may not forgive you. . . this is doubtful, considering how stupid they are. . .  I mean come on!, have you seen how cute we are?!

But regardless, be careful not to push them over the edge. . . the point of punishment is to make sure they do not annoy us again, or at least are worried about upsetting us 24/7. . .

In the next post we will be looking at the most effective sleeping positions, and how pulling these off will make your hu-man allow you to sleep anywhere you want. . .

But until then kitty out. . . and remember, be careful of hairballs. . .

Tip 101. Keeping your hu-man up at night.

It has long been known by cats that hu-mans are particularly difficult to train. They are stubborn, lazy and extremely stupid. . . You would think that considering this animal is much larger than us that it would have a larger brain. . . but if they were smart then surely they should know instinctively that food should always be down ready for my consumption, that wake-up time is 6am when I am full of energy and ready to play and that the litter tray must always be cleaned the second I am finished with it.

When they wake in the morning, make sure you are in a
cute position like this. Then all will be forgiven. Mwahaha

However, it seems that despite their large exteriors they have very little going for them on the inside. So, this is why we must train them. It can be a very slow and tiresome project and does not always go smoothly and to plan. . . In fact, sometimes you may even have to punish your hu-man to make sure they realise who is boss. . . even if they do not KNOW that they are realising this. . . They have to think they are in control whilst really you are putting your own little collar and leash on them. . . It is a very delicate mission to complete. . . but a necessary one.

Now. . . How do you go about punishing your hu-man? 

There are many ways to lay down the law, all of which shall eventually be covered in this blog. But for now, we will stick to the age old method of sleep deprivation.

It can be a very tiresome job for our chosen hu-man to look after us to the best of their ability, especially if they are doing the job correctly- although it would be much easier for them if they focused all their time and attention on us rather than staring at that big flashing, noisy box on the other side of the room- which means that they need a lot of sleep. After all  we would not want them falling asleep half way through cleaning our litter tray now would we. . . I imagine that cannot be a very nice experience for either one of us. . .

This is why that sleep deprivation should only be used when absolutely necessary and not used for more than two or three nights in a row. . . even though it is extremely fun for us.

There are many ways in which to keep your hu-man up at night, and any combination of tricks will prove effective. But it is up to you as supreme leader of your own household to pick which one will cause the most distress to your hu-man:

• Wait for them to be completely settled down and comfortable. . . then find a place on their chest, back or shoulders that is comfortable and secure for you. Then sit there with your head tilted to one side and stare at them. . . just sit there staring. . . and occasionally use one- or even both- of your paws and smack them on the back of the head.
• Find a surface that is higher up than the bed, make sure that it is not too slippery so as to avoid personal injury and then sit there and wait for the opportune moment. When you are ready, get down in to the correct position and pounce on to any part of their body. Hint: The head and stomach have proven to be the most effective by fellow felines.
• Go crazy for hours on end, running around the room, attacking anything that moves or makes a noise, jumping from object to object, knock things over and off of shelves- generally make as much noise as possible.
• Sit on top of the blankets near the end of the bed and chase and pounce on their feet whenever they move them. This is very distracting for them meaning they cannot sleep but also has the cuteness factor meaning you are less likely to be punished.
• If, however, you do not want or require the cuteness factor, or simply want to punish your hu-man to the maximum capacity then find an opening in the blanket near the foot of the bed. Crawl your way in and then start gently batting at their feet with your paws. . . they will think that you are being slightly annoying but also extremely cute. . . then when they are getting used to this gentle play and are drifting off in to a deep sleep. . . Pounce, wrap your front paws around their feet, dig in the claws and bite the big toe!
• Sit anywhere in the room (but far enough away that they can not swipe at you or throw anything at you with ease) and meow and yowl your way through the night. This will initially send them in to a panic as they will believe that we are in trouble or hurt but it will eventually dawn on them that nothing is wrong and we are simply being a nuisance.

These are just a small amount of the ways that you can keep your naughty hu-man up at night. Many more ways can be thought of and invented. Just sit there and think and eventually you will think of or find something that is sure to keep any hu-man up, pulling out their hair and begging for a decent nights sleep.

When carrying out this punishment there is always the risk of being picked up by the scruff of the neck and thrown out of the room- with the hu-man then closing the door behind us. Meaning that we can no longer keep them awake. This is a very annoying trick that they have discovered as they are after all much bigger and stronger than us. But dealing with this eventuality will be covered in the next post. . .