Merry Christmas To Me! Part 1.

Throughout this blog, I may decide, as is my right to divert from the usual training guide to talk about and hi-light things that I deem important. The Russell Howard post for instance was extremely important due to the need to congratulate a member of our feline community on their great success. . .

This post is- as you should be able to guess from the title- all about Christmas. Christmas is a very special time of year for hu-mans. This is the first time I have experienced the excitement, stress and anticipation of their event but from what I understand it is an annual occurrence.

I thus decided to research this "magical" time, after all, I must understand this strange concept if I am to find a way to control it. . . Here is what I discovered. . .

Christmas is the annual commemoration of the birth of some man called Jesus Christ, many many years ago (between the years of 7 and 2 BC). . . He is said to be the son of "The Lord God". . . who is rumoured to be the supernatural leader of the earth. . . which is, of course, ridiculous  as everybody knows that cats are the only leader on this planet. . . This rumour will have to be addressed at some point. . . But anyway, back to the story. . .

Hu-mans celebrate this time of year by taking part in certain celebratory customs. . . these include gift giving, special music, a very large special meal, tree's with balls and beads and some strange shiny thing that rustles called "Tinsel", and some extremely overweight, jolly man called Santy Claws. . .

Now, seeing as this creature is called Santy "Claws" then surely it should be obligatory for it to be a cat delivering all the presents and deeming who should be punished. . . but for some strange reason, Hu-mans have decided to be defiant of our control and have placed one of their own in this ridiculous place of honour.

*Side note* It may be beneficial at some point in the future

to remove this "Santy Claws". . . to "magic him away and 

take over his position. This could include bribery, threats. . . or 

we could simply kidnap him. . . See video below.

However, I am very happy to see that felines are still taking part in this event, they are using their acute cuteness to win the hearts of cat lover. . . dressing in ridiculous outfits and taking part in the festivities, I may have to attempt this. . .

In the next post, I will discuss exactly how I chose to take part in Christmas. . . and how it did not quite go to plan. . .

Tip 103. Most effective sleeping positions

It is vital that all cat's follow my commandments if they are to continue in their role as ruler and leader. . . As can be seen in the commandments the number 1 rule is to make sure you get a minimum of 16 hours sleep per day. . .

However, not only is it vital to obtain these hours, you also need to be make sure that it is quality sleep. . . this means being able to sleep in the best and most comfortable places and positions. . .

Stopping hu-man from working.

Also, the position is key to it all, if you can pull off any number of cute positions then your hu-man is more likely to leave you be and let you sleep where you want. . . even if it inconveniences them. . . Take for instance, right now, my hu-man is trying to work however I am preventing this being an easy task by lying across her arms. See picture to right.





There are any number of positions which can be used in order to obtain a peaceful, refreshing and beneficial sleep. But here are some of my personal favourites: (in order of how they are shown in the slideshow)

• THE CAT-NAPPER: This is the most basic of positions. It is a normal curled up state which allows for comfortable and peaceful sleep. It is also the easiest position to get in to as you will usually be able to fit anywhere. Humans will normally leave you be in this position as long as you are not anywhere that inconveniences them, not the best one for sleeping in awkward places but still an all time classic.
• THE BEAN POLE: This one is named because of the position you place yourself in. Your body is perfectly straight and steady. Perfect for lying on a hu-mans legs or along the seams of a sofa. Can even be adapted to make you fit in between two hu-mans at night as they sleep.
• THE DANGLER: This one can be a slight adaptation of The Bean Pole however this is the beginning of the "awkward" positions. In this one you make sure you are balanced somewhere precarious such as one leg of a hu-man and dangle one of your own legs off of the edge. This gives the impression that you are not fully secure and that you will fall if they attempt to move you.
• THE NO-ENERGY SLUMP: The entire point of this position is to con your hu-man into believing that you simply do not have the energy to move. This position looks very uncomfortable to the hu-man but they do not seem to realise that a pose such as this is good for back problems and preventing future problems such as arthritis. Humans will do one of two things in this position. . . either they will leave you be as they simply do not have the heart to make you move when you are so tired. . . OR. . . they will pick you up and place you somewhere on their own body which is going to be infinitely more comfortable. . . either way it is a win-win situation for you. A perfect example of this can be seen here.
• THE LIFE RAFT: This one is named because of the "pathetic" position you put yourself in. Simply drape yourself over a arm chair, leg, arm, pillow etc.  and stretch out one paw further than the other. This position is seen as cute and adorable meaning that should a harsh human choose to move you he will be chastised by the other for committing such a treason.
• THE DRAMATIC POSE: This position can be in many shapes and forms. Simply get yourself into the most over-stretched and extravagant pose you can muster and fall asleep. These are normally so obscure, so special, so. . . dramatic. . . that the hu-man will not be willing to move you. They are a wonderful and natural phenomenon to behold and any hu-man will be in awe of such a position.
• THE CUTE POUT: This is best used when settling on a hu-man's lap or in their arms. Bury yourself into a crease and lift your legs up. Follow this with lifting one arm up to your face and the other folded into your chest, finish off this manoeuvre by dropping your bottom jaw slightly. This is sure to make any hu-mans heart melt and allow you to have your wicked way with them.

And this concludes the most effective sleeping positions. Many more are to be found and can be changed depending on your own comfort tastes. 

In the next post, we will be examining the best beds- a perfect continuation of best sleeping positions. This will examine both bought beds and beds found in and around the home. . .

It is time for me to get my beauty sleep, so until next time. . . now. . . which position shall I use today?

Tip 102. What to do if you are kicked out at night.

Right, you are all up to date on the best tactics in the industry for keeping your hu-man up at night. . . But, what do you do when your incompetent helper chucks you out?

Get some practice in during the day at pouncing and clawing :)

Being removed from the bedroom at night can be a very annoying thing. Not only does it mean that you cannot continue to punish your human as originally planned, but this also means that once you eventually run out of energy and need a few hours shut eye before the next feeding time you need to find a new and comfortable bed that is to your standards. . .

Now, you have one of two choices. . . You can either find a comfortable bed for the night and settle down in a blissful sleep of food, fuss and chasing mice. . .

Or, you can decide to stay up all night and make sure that your hu-man gets no sleep either. . . So, just in case you do decide to punish your hu-man even further for their dastardly act of treason, here is a list of things you can do:

• Sit scratching the door all night. If you scratch at their bedroom door constantly they will eventually give up and let you in. Either because the sound is driving them insane and still keeping them up, or because they are worried what your claws will do to their precious woodwork... either way its 1-0 to us!
• As a companion or separate tip to the previous one you can also try clawing at the floor (best used on carpet) near the doors. If it is wooden flooring then it will damage the floor, and if it is carpet there is a chance of eventually pulling the carpet up from the floor (resulting in either difficulties with the door or your naughty hu-man to trip and fall flat on their face during a midnight toilet run- either way it is guaranteed to annoy them)
• Now this tip can be achieved wherever, but is especially handy if you are in a small hallway. Once they have chucked you in to the hallway walk down to the opposite side. Be prepared to run very fast (and also to run face first in to the walls the first few attempts) and then kick yourself up and onto the wall whilst running. . . if you manage to do this correctly then you will achieve what hu-mans call "wall-running". This creates a lot of noise, hence keeping them awake longer.
• Hu-mans are like pack-rats. . . they collect lots and lots of weird and wonderful things. . . almost all of them pointless. . . After all if it is something that we cannot use then it is obviously pointless. . .  They have things scattered all over the place, on work surfaces bookshelves, desks, tables. . . We can use this to our advantage. . . make lots and lots of noise by knocking anything possible off of surfaces. . . hearing pots, pans and books crashing to the floor will soon get them out of bed.
• Also, considering they collect so much stuff, it also means there is a lot to break. . . some of the things they hoard are very delicate and apparently "valuable"- though I sometimes wonder at the junk they call valuable. . . a dead mouse at their feet? Yea sure! a brand new scratching post? Of course!. . . but a lump of "china" coloured in? or a big batch of paper tightly bound together? Surely not. . . But anyway, breaking any of these things is sure to send them in to a rage thus resulting in no sleep. . . just be sure you are not in sight when they discover the mess.
• The most famous of all tips has to be using your voice. Normally hu-mans find our delicate and tinkly sounds cute and previous. However, sitting outside their door at night meowing- or yowling if you think your meow box can handle it for a large amount of time- will result in lots of shouting, throwing and swearing. . . OR. . . will make them believe we are "apologising" and let us back in. . . operation revenge can then continue.

These are just some basics on how to get started. Just remember, that you should not push your servant too far, if you do then they may not forgive you. . . this is doubtful, considering how stupid they are. . .  I mean come on!, have you seen how cute we are?!

But regardless, be careful not to push them over the edge. . . the point of punishment is to make sure they do not annoy us again, or at least are worried about upsetting us 24/7. . .

In the next post we will be looking at the most effective sleeping positions, and how pulling these off will make your hu-man allow you to sleep anywhere you want. . .

But until then kitty out. . . and remember, be careful of hairballs. . .