Tip 105. Best and Worst Hu-man food to eat.

When we move in with a hu-man and exert our dominance over them they always seem to want to force us to eat the strangest of foods. . . They seem to believe that a diet of biscuits and meat mixed with Jelly or Gravy is a tasty and healthy alternative to our natural instinct to hunt and kill our own prey. . .

This is why, whenever we get the chance, we should show our natural instincts by swiping some of THEIR food and snacking on that. . . However, a cat must be very careful when eating food meant for hu-mans as some food can be very dangerous. I will hereby make a list, of the best foods for you to snack on, and the foods which you must never EVER eat. . .

• Chicken: My personal favourite, chicken is one of the best meats for a cat in my opinion, it is tasty and filling and the easiest meat to rip up and shake around- which is a good technique for practising your killing skills.
• Fish: Canned fish, like tuna, sardines and salmon is a good treat to have. It is good for your fur and joints, however, make sure that it is boned and that you do not have to much as the mercury can give you poisoning- as well as making you fat, and let's face it, you could do with losing a little weight. . .
• Melon: As long as this is consumed in small amounts than a feline can quite safely eat a honeydew, cantaloupe or watermelon- as long as all seeds are removed. This helps with digestion but should only be a occasional treat as we are naturally carnivores and our bodies are not able to process large amounts of plant.

Fish are yummy to eat!

That is a small list of my personal favourite, however, feel free to tell me more of YOUR favourite foods by posting them on my Facebook wall.

Now, as you can imagine, the list of bad foods is going to be quite a bit longer. . . But it is very important that you know not to eat these toxic foods. . . for the sake of your own life (and ever expanding waist line):

• Chocolate: This is toxic, it contains a strange chemical that if consumed can damage your lungs, heart, kidneys and nervous system. . . not the best way to go. . . however, recent intelligence suggests that this is also the case for dogs. . . Operation Cocoa commence!
• Alcohol: This is a strange liquid consumed by humans which makes them very strange. . . I have quite often wondered what this strange thing is like- could it be similar to catnip?- however because it is absorbed into our bodies so quick it can be an instant killer.
• Grapes and Raisins: These are extremely tasty, juicy and tempting. . . they are the fruit from the Garden of Eden. . . however, just 2 or 3 of this little pieces of heaven can result in poisoning and irreversible kidney damage.
• Onions: These, I have found from personal experience are extremely tasty, it takes so much self-control for me NOT to eat them, however, just a small amount of this vegetable can cause onion poisoning. This breaks down your red blood cells, causing anaemia, weight loss and lethargy.
• Caffiene: My hu-man quite often consumes something they call "energy drinks", my male hu-man (daddy) sometimes jokes that he will give me some, however, my mummy found out that even a small amount can cause heart palpitations, tremors, rapid breathing and death.

There are many more toxic foods which you must avoid at all costs, but at the same time there are many foods that are perfectly safe and tasty to eat. . . just get your slaves to do some internet research. . .

Feel free to tell me what your favourite and most avoided foods are in the comments below. . .

This post has been quite a serious topic and not as light hearted as my previous ones, however, I am hoping that my next post will be back to normal, when we tackle the issue of. . . Different techniques to swipe hu-man food. . .

Merry Christmas To Me! Part 2

Now, in the last Christmas based post I gave a very basic explanation and insight into the world of Christmas. During this one I will delve into some of the ways that I attempted to take part in the festive season, and also how this caused great turmoil for my hu-man's.

Me under the tree.

Now, I will start with the most obvious distraction for a young cat such as myself on my first festive period. The Christmas Tree. For some strange reason, my two hu-man's decided to take away the dining room table and chairs that were in the room- a stupid decision if you ask me considering there is not enough work surface's as it is- and replaced it with a tree.

I may have been able to resist this strange addition to the room, if it had not been for what they did next. . . not only did they add these strange little colourful flashing lights on a very long piece of string but they also raised the temptations by adding an assortment of beads, balls, sticks and birds. SURELY, this was meant for me, my new toy, why else would they make it such an excitable, glittery, bundle of joy??

Alas, it was not for me, I was vehemently chased away, hissed at, yelled at, even smacked for going anywhere near this pillar of kitten fun-filled goodness. . . but did this stop me from trying? Of course not! If anything, it just made me do it more. . . after all, it is dreadful fun to watch your hu-man have to get up from their warm, comfortable position on the sofa to chase you. . . only for you then to wrap yourself around the legs causing them to tumble to the ground in a loud, painful heaped mess!



Over a set amount of time, my hu-mans kept buying things, this is a normal thing for them to do, however, what was unusual was that they would then wrap them in paper and put pieces of colourful and shiny string around them. . . pulling on them with the edge of a blunt knife in order to make it spring in curls. . . This did not help at all, and I found myself struggling not to get involved. . . maybe they were trying to cut the pieces of string but failing? I can imagine this would be extremely annoying, so I decided to help. . .

Much to my annoyance, my servant did not appreciate this. They should have as it is very rare that we will do such a thing, we are after all leader of our households and should not take part in such frivolities, however, let's just say I was feeling "generous" considering the festive period.

But, instead of the grateful praise, a few treats and a rub under my chin, I -yet again- got shouted at, smacked and thrown from the room. . .

I was only trying to help! It is not my fault that my claws were sharper than I believed. . . but I can see why this would be a problem for them. . . after all my "mummy" (as she likes to call herself) did spend at least half an hour on each package making them look shiny and pretty. . . she spent a long time slaving over these to make them look perfect.

One attempt from my clawed paws to try and help and they end up a shredded, chewed and tattered mess. . . Next thing I know she is hopping with rage and having to re-do them. . .

Ah well, maybe I can keep my claws and teeth under control next year- although I have to say, boxed packages make very good scratching posts and teething rings. . .

Merry Christmas To Me! Part 1.

Throughout this blog, I may decide, as is my right to divert from the usual training guide to talk about and hi-light things that I deem important. The Russell Howard post for instance was extremely important due to the need to congratulate a member of our feline community on their great success. . .

This post is- as you should be able to guess from the title- all about Christmas. Christmas is a very special time of year for hu-mans. This is the first time I have experienced the excitement, stress and anticipation of their event but from what I understand it is an annual occurrence.

I thus decided to research this "magical" time, after all, I must understand this strange concept if I am to find a way to control it. . . Here is what I discovered. . .

Christmas is the annual commemoration of the birth of some man called Jesus Christ, many many years ago (between the years of 7 and 2 BC). . . He is said to be the son of "The Lord God". . . who is rumoured to be the supernatural leader of the earth. . . which is, of course, ridiculous  as everybody knows that cats are the only leader on this planet. . . This rumour will have to be addressed at some point. . . But anyway, back to the story. . .

Hu-mans celebrate this time of year by taking part in certain celebratory customs. . . these include gift giving, special music, a very large special meal, tree's with balls and beads and some strange shiny thing that rustles called "Tinsel", and some extremely overweight, jolly man called Santy Claws. . .

Now, seeing as this creature is called Santy "Claws" then surely it should be obligatory for it to be a cat delivering all the presents and deeming who should be punished. . . but for some strange reason, Hu-mans have decided to be defiant of our control and have placed one of their own in this ridiculous place of honour.

*Side note* It may be beneficial at some point in the future

to remove this "Santy Claws". . . to "magic him away and 

take over his position. This could include bribery, threats. . . or 

we could simply kidnap him. . . See video below.

However, I am very happy to see that felines are still taking part in this event, they are using their acute cuteness to win the hearts of cat lover. . . dressing in ridiculous outfits and taking part in the festivities, I may have to attempt this. . .

In the next post, I will discuss exactly how I chose to take part in Christmas. . . and how it did not quite go to plan. . .

Tip 104. Best Beds

Once you have the knack for sleeping in a position where humans will not have the heart (or the balls) to move you then you can start looking at your ideal sleeping locations.

You now know how to get away with sleeping wherever you want. . . but the question is. . . where do you choose to sleep?

A suitable and comfortable bed can be found in any range of areas. . . they can be big, small, hard, soft, furniture, pre-bought by your hu-man, indoors and even outdoors. . .

As a flat-cat I cannot experience the wonders or luxuries of an outdoor bed, however, I know of them from discussions with other outdoor-roaming felines. . .

This post will hi-light my favourite places to sleep in and around the home. . . however, if you prefer a more dedicated bed of your own then you can always convince your hu-man to buy one of your very own. . . many of these can be viewed in my shop which can suit all hu-man's budgets. . .

• The first place that is perfect for an afternoon nap is the bed. The bed is very rarely occupied during the day, and if you act cute during the night then the hu-man's will quite often allow you to sleep with them. The mattress on the bed is normally the perfect texture and firmness for plodding, alongside the numerous blankets that are available to curl up under during the winter months.
• The second place that you can catch a few zz's is the sofa. The sofa is normally situated in the warmest room in the house, due to the fact that hu-man's seem to spend the majority of their time in there. This can be one of the noisiest places to sleep due to our servants being fixated with the magical noisy box in the corner of the room however you can always be sure of company.
• A more unusual place is on the printer. If you can mentally persuade your hu-man to place you a pillow on top of the machine then it will be even more comfortable. On top of this, if your hu-man should choose to use this mystical contraption whilst you are resting on it then you are in the perfect position to work out its intentions and to kill the foul beast with agile blows if necessary.
• It is amazing how a hard surface can be extremely comfortable. Plus if you position yourself on somewhere such as a computer desk or work surface then you can inconvenience your hu-man. . . perfect for a douse of basic punishment.
• Many felines in the past have dreaded and warned against the Carrier Box. . . it has been seen as a prison, in which hu-man's chuck you in and take you to strange places. . . you hear terrible rumours about these trips. . . needles, unknown animals. . . I even once heard a rumour that they take you to have your private parts sliced off and your head stuck in a cone. . . what nonsense!!. . . I have been in my box many a time and this has NEVER happened to me. . . Anyway, you may find it strange to discover that this is an extremely comfortable bed, it is one of my personal favourites, just arrange for a blanket to be placed in the bottom and drag a few toys in if necessary and it is very warm, cosy and protected. 
• Finally, my last chosen sleeping place around the home is the wardrobe. This is a secret room either placed within a room, or hidden behind a sliding door. . . it is filled with lots of different furs for your hu-man to change in to. . . a very eerie and strange concept if you ask me. . . My hu-man annoyingly kept shutting the doors and jamming it so that I could not claw it open. . . however, once I kept them up for numerous nights with my incessant yowling and clawing they finally gave in and it is now never closed to me. This can be used to get away when you require a small amount of you time, as it is dark, crowded and the perfect place to find a small nook in to curl up.

Photographs of my favourite sleeping places can be found below in the order that they are mentioned above. (Except for the wardrobe as I am a ninja when I sleep in there and find the perfect hiding spot where I cannot be found or pestered with cameras)

And now, I am asking all of my readers to send me pictures of you (felines only) sleeping in their favourite places.

To do this simply "Like" my dedicated Facebook page. Here you can send me your images whilst keeping up to date with the behind the scenes running of the blog.

Any images that are sent will be posted on a separate page that is dedicated to my fans. Names of cat's and owners can be published alongside if requested.


How To Train Your Pet Hu-Man Facebook

The next post will contain the best and worst hu-man food to eat.

Tip 103. Most effective sleeping positions

It is vital that all cat's follow my commandments if they are to continue in their role as ruler and leader. . . As can be seen in the commandments the number 1 rule is to make sure you get a minimum of 16 hours sleep per day. . .

However, not only is it vital to obtain these hours, you also need to be make sure that it is quality sleep. . . this means being able to sleep in the best and most comfortable places and positions. . .

Stopping hu-man from working.

Also, the position is key to it all, if you can pull off any number of cute positions then your hu-man is more likely to leave you be and let you sleep where you want. . . even if it inconveniences them. . . Take for instance, right now, my hu-man is trying to work however I am preventing this being an easy task by lying across her arms. See picture to right.





There are any number of positions which can be used in order to obtain a peaceful, refreshing and beneficial sleep. But here are some of my personal favourites: (in order of how they are shown in the slideshow)

• THE CAT-NAPPER: This is the most basic of positions. It is a normal curled up state which allows for comfortable and peaceful sleep. It is also the easiest position to get in to as you will usually be able to fit anywhere. Humans will normally leave you be in this position as long as you are not anywhere that inconveniences them, not the best one for sleeping in awkward places but still an all time classic.
• THE BEAN POLE: This one is named because of the position you place yourself in. Your body is perfectly straight and steady. Perfect for lying on a hu-mans legs or along the seams of a sofa. Can even be adapted to make you fit in between two hu-mans at night as they sleep.
• THE DANGLER: This one can be a slight adaptation of The Bean Pole however this is the beginning of the "awkward" positions. In this one you make sure you are balanced somewhere precarious such as one leg of a hu-man and dangle one of your own legs off of the edge. This gives the impression that you are not fully secure and that you will fall if they attempt to move you.
• THE NO-ENERGY SLUMP: The entire point of this position is to con your hu-man into believing that you simply do not have the energy to move. This position looks very uncomfortable to the hu-man but they do not seem to realise that a pose such as this is good for back problems and preventing future problems such as arthritis. Humans will do one of two things in this position. . . either they will leave you be as they simply do not have the heart to make you move when you are so tired. . . OR. . . they will pick you up and place you somewhere on their own body which is going to be infinitely more comfortable. . . either way it is a win-win situation for you. A perfect example of this can be seen here.
• THE LIFE RAFT: This one is named because of the "pathetic" position you put yourself in. Simply drape yourself over a arm chair, leg, arm, pillow etc.  and stretch out one paw further than the other. This position is seen as cute and adorable meaning that should a harsh human choose to move you he will be chastised by the other for committing such a treason.
• THE DRAMATIC POSE: This position can be in many shapes and forms. Simply get yourself into the most over-stretched and extravagant pose you can muster and fall asleep. These are normally so obscure, so special, so. . . dramatic. . . that the hu-man will not be willing to move you. They are a wonderful and natural phenomenon to behold and any hu-man will be in awe of such a position.
• THE CUTE POUT: This is best used when settling on a hu-man's lap or in their arms. Bury yourself into a crease and lift your legs up. Follow this with lifting one arm up to your face and the other folded into your chest, finish off this manoeuvre by dropping your bottom jaw slightly. This is sure to make any hu-mans heart melt and allow you to have your wicked way with them.

And this concludes the most effective sleeping positions. Many more are to be found and can be changed depending on your own comfort tastes. 

In the next post, we will be examining the best beds- a perfect continuation of best sleeping positions. This will examine both bought beds and beds found in and around the home. . .

It is time for me to get my beauty sleep, so until next time. . . now. . . which position shall I use today?

Cat appointed mayor of town.

Normally, this blog is used as a hand guide to training your hu-man.... So surely this post should be Tip 103.?

Well, I have decided- as is my right as emperor of everything I deem worthy- to take a small break in order to highlight something of great importance. . .A few weeks ago I decided to give my hu-man the night off. . . I let them degrade back to the lazy sluggish oafs they usually are. . .

In their free time they decided to invite over some more species of their kind. . . Two great annoying creatures who insist on picking me up and ruffling my fur up the wrong way. . .

Anyway, they all settled down to watch that strange colourful box in the room and ended up watching a strange spectacle called "Russell Howard's Good News". . . so I decided to watch it with them. . .

Within this show an amazing discovery was set to be made. . . An cat somewhere within the world had actually taken their rightful place as a leader. . . And I do not mean ruler of a couple of measly hu-mans but surveyor of an entire town. . .

Take a look for yourselves:

Think about it, potentially hundreds if not thousands of hu-mans to take care of your every whim.

This is why this blog is dedicated to saluting Mayor Stubbs and congratulating him on taking one large paw print for feline-kind.

Keep up the good work soldier, cats everywhere look up to you.

Tip 102. What to do if you are kicked out at night.

Right, you are all up to date on the best tactics in the industry for keeping your hu-man up at night. . . But, what do you do when your incompetent helper chucks you out?

Get some practice in during the day at pouncing and clawing :)

Being removed from the bedroom at night can be a very annoying thing. Not only does it mean that you cannot continue to punish your human as originally planned, but this also means that once you eventually run out of energy and need a few hours shut eye before the next feeding time you need to find a new and comfortable bed that is to your standards. . .

Now, you have one of two choices. . . You can either find a comfortable bed for the night and settle down in a blissful sleep of food, fuss and chasing mice. . .

Or, you can decide to stay up all night and make sure that your hu-man gets no sleep either. . . So, just in case you do decide to punish your hu-man even further for their dastardly act of treason, here is a list of things you can do:

• Sit scratching the door all night. If you scratch at their bedroom door constantly they will eventually give up and let you in. Either because the sound is driving them insane and still keeping them up, or because they are worried what your claws will do to their precious woodwork... either way its 1-0 to us!
• As a companion or separate tip to the previous one you can also try clawing at the floor (best used on carpet) near the doors. If it is wooden flooring then it will damage the floor, and if it is carpet there is a chance of eventually pulling the carpet up from the floor (resulting in either difficulties with the door or your naughty hu-man to trip and fall flat on their face during a midnight toilet run- either way it is guaranteed to annoy them)
• Now this tip can be achieved wherever, but is especially handy if you are in a small hallway. Once they have chucked you in to the hallway walk down to the opposite side. Be prepared to run very fast (and also to run face first in to the walls the first few attempts) and then kick yourself up and onto the wall whilst running. . . if you manage to do this correctly then you will achieve what hu-mans call "wall-running". This creates a lot of noise, hence keeping them awake longer.
• Hu-mans are like pack-rats. . . they collect lots and lots of weird and wonderful things. . . almost all of them pointless. . . After all if it is something that we cannot use then it is obviously pointless. . .  They have things scattered all over the place, on work surfaces bookshelves, desks, tables. . . We can use this to our advantage. . . make lots and lots of noise by knocking anything possible off of surfaces. . . hearing pots, pans and books crashing to the floor will soon get them out of bed.
• Also, considering they collect so much stuff, it also means there is a lot to break. . . some of the things they hoard are very delicate and apparently "valuable"- though I sometimes wonder at the junk they call valuable. . . a dead mouse at their feet? Yea sure! a brand new scratching post? Of course!. . . but a lump of "china" coloured in? or a big batch of paper tightly bound together? Surely not. . . But anyway, breaking any of these things is sure to send them in to a rage thus resulting in no sleep. . . just be sure you are not in sight when they discover the mess.
• The most famous of all tips has to be using your voice. Normally hu-mans find our delicate and tinkly sounds cute and previous. However, sitting outside their door at night meowing- or yowling if you think your meow box can handle it for a large amount of time- will result in lots of shouting, throwing and swearing. . . OR. . . will make them believe we are "apologising" and let us back in. . . operation revenge can then continue.

These are just some basics on how to get started. Just remember, that you should not push your servant too far, if you do then they may not forgive you. . . this is doubtful, considering how stupid they are. . .  I mean come on!, have you seen how cute we are?!

But regardless, be careful not to push them over the edge. . . the point of punishment is to make sure they do not annoy us again, or at least are worried about upsetting us 24/7. . .

In the next post we will be looking at the most effective sleeping positions, and how pulling these off will make your hu-man allow you to sleep anywhere you want. . .

But until then kitty out. . . and remember, be careful of hairballs. . .